Sarri given “one month” as Chelsea start phoning their exes

Dear reader, are you humming the music? Because I am. Let’s put aside the Premier League for a couple of days and let’s all get excited about the return of the Champions League. Yes, yes I know; there’s lots of funny football news concerning the Premier League today. But could we compromise, and maybe talk about all that whilst still humming the Champions League music? Excellent. Let us begin.

Chelsea manager Maurizio Sarri has been given one month to save his job, apparently. The club’s hierarchy didn’t take too kindly to Sarri’s comments to the Italian press after being spanked 6-0 by Man City. He said he didn’t know if he would hear from Roman Abramovich because he ‘never does’; the kind of comment that has seen better managers than he shown to the exit.

Sarri has to show that he can get his players turning up away from home and get Chelsea back on track for a top-four finish or he will be sent back to Serie A without as much as a packet of cigarettes as a thank you.

In the meantime, Chelsea will be flicking through their contact book and seeing which former managers are currently out of work and might fancy a few months in west London.

Someone else heading to Italy is none other than Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsey. It was confirmed yesterday that the Welsh international will be playing for Juventus from next season and will earn a delightful £400k a week for doing so. They don’t have awards for ‘Best Agent in the World’ but if they did, I’d be backing Ramsey’s to walk away with it this season. Convincing anyone that his client is worth that kind of money is a job very well done indeed.

Newcastle United seem to have a phobia about defending in injury time against Wolves. Once again, Nuno’s men scored a late goal against Rafa’s side and this time it was an equaliser by Willy Boly. Rafa wasn’t sure if he was blaming his goalkeeper or the referee in the post-match interviews, but he definitely wasn’t happy.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer now wants to bring back ‘great European nights’ to Old Trafford, and who can blame him? Mr Revivial has already fixed it so that OT is a great afternoon out in the Premier League and he feels tonight’s match against PSG is the perfect time to reinstate United as one of the great Champions League teams. OGS feels that United could ‘surprise a few people‘ and make it to the final this season. What? Without the need to spend millions more on players and come up with many excuses as to why it is not possible? Incredible.

PSG manager Thomas Tuchel might be without Neymar and Cavani but he still plans to attacked United tonight. Yes, they’ve lost hundreds of millions of Euros worth of attacking talent but their replacements are hardly second-tier players. Well, apart from the lad PSG signed from Stoke. He is, literally.

United’s former squeeze is very much in with the Russians. Jose Mourinho, having recovered from falling over on ice, is being given his own TV show on state TV channel, RT. His show will be about the Champions League meaning he has still managed to find someone to give him millions to progress in the competition.

The most disappointing news to break yesterday was that the cheese room in Tottenham’s new home is NOT happening. Spurs claim it was never actually going to happen in the first place, but I don’t brie-lieve them. Ahem.

Finally, having spent most of his retirement telling everyone where Manchester United have been going wrong Paul Scholes has been officially unveiled as the new manager of Oldham Athletic.

I wonder if Jose will use any of his new show to pass comment?